In which I, as a noted UCC community anti-capitalist dissident, inspect each of the Head Steward finalist candidates to compare how closely each resembles the ideal man: Karl Marx.
At TBAW, we are first and foremost advocates for political involvement. This Monday, we all sat in Laidlaw Hall studiously and at attention, to listen to the remarks of the Head Steward finalists. Immediately after, at our post assembly meeting in the writer’s lair (Mr Dick’s office), we got together to discuss the results.
One more thing you should know about TBAW: we are also fans of asking the tough questions. Even if it’s slightly politically incorrect, could unsettle the board of governors, or even invoke charges of anti-American activities in a previous decade. When we combined our brainpower to think of the ultimate Head Steward question, we unanimously agreed on one metric:
Of the remaining candidates, which Head Steward hopeful would best lead the UCC student body through the impending Marxist revolution?
The following are profiles that were constructed in that meeting in an attempt to respond to this question.
MCDERMOTT, ELLIOT (Kingston, ON. 5’10, massive triceps, golden god)
Comrade Elliot is a well-known dissenter against both the aristocracy and the bourgeois class. In private conversations over his last two years at UCC, he has revealed much about his political inclinations. It appears that he is in favour of radical wealth distribution, an abolition of the class system to create one large course at UCC (careers), and a revocation of all private property within the boarding houses. McDermott, as many know, is on several sports teams. What most are not aware of is that he has been caught red handed in several plots to overthrow the coaches and establish an egalitarian, player based team/society. Mr Beaudoin was unavailable for comment on this matter.
One must beware, however, of Comrade Elliot’s apologetic nature to exploitative institutions. He has been sighted outside of his boarding room sporting the logos of several rotten capitalist corporations, including Bear Naked, Bauer Hockey, and CrossFitTM. One must question his authenticity to the revolution with this evidence.
8.5 Leon Trotskys out of 10 Leon Trotskys
ROTHMAN, ADAM (Model UN enthusiast, well hydrated gentleman)
Comrade Adam has taken care to make himself a part of many underground organizations. He has shown his commitment to the ultimate overthrow of the bourgeois class through participation in several cult-like, radical elements: the Debate Club, Model USSR, and the elusive but dangerous Mowbray’s House. Adam can be seen during most lunch periods hunched over a UD table, discussing the revolution with several other left deviationist thinkers. On several occasions, he has been documented missing class to instead deliver motivational speeches to factory workers in the Leningrad Oblast, outside of St Petersburg.
However, like all commie proles, Adam is a flawed man. He has also been documented pledging allegiance to Noam Chomsky, and saying that Ronald Reagan “wasn’t that bad.” Additionally, there have been unconfirmed reports that he drinks Starbucks coffee, willingly bathing his tongue in the stench of soft neo-liberal leftists.
4.20 October Revolutions out of 5 October Revolutions
TUCKER, RASHEED (Beastly running back, breaks bones with his stare)
If inspecting Comrade Rasheed’s dedication to the complete uprooting of the capitalist society, one need look no further than the first words in his declaration, as a reference to the great Communist Manifesto: “Students of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains.” Tucker is a well-known anti-imperialist plotter, often dedicating his spectacular football performances to our good friend Comrade Engels. Rasheed was also recently named “President of the Peoples Republic of the End Zone,” adding to his impressive list of accomplishments.
The one reservation regarding Rasheed is his known association with capitalist campaigns. You may have seen the face of a young Tucker draped over the fence near the back entrance to the school. He declined to comment when asked about this marriage to the bourgeois administration, but we find it curious that he has not yet painted over the banner with a hammer and sickle.
1900 Bushels of Wheat out of 1917 Bushels of Wheat
We hope you have found these profiles helpful in making your decision. TBAW recognizes the importance of preparing for the looming, full scale Marxist uprising at UCC, and choosing a leader to do it. No matter who you vote for, remember: the struggle continues!