Blazer

Normal reviews of things are usually long, boring, uneventful and really provide zero  useful information as to whether or not the product is any good. They’re also fuelled by corporate sponsors (funded by the government) paying off the writer to give the object in question a good score in order to increase revenue and profit, corrupting the entire system so that the rich can continue staying richer and the Illuminati can proceed to undermine society and take over humanity as we know it! Also, they’re dumb. Blazer aims to solve this problem by giving you exactly what you need to hear, quick and easy. No filler, no needless details, no advertisements (but don’t forget to read Blazer every month, only at the back of Convergence™!), just cold, hard, facts.

This “movie” is an extreme disappointment that cannot be put into words, let alone explained. We were lured into believing that this movie would be about 50 shades of the colour grey, when really it was nothing of the sort. There was no where near close to 50 shades of grey in this movie! Maximum, like, 20. Maximum. Who would make the title of the film have nothing to do with the actual film itself? As aspiring painters, we here at Blazer couldn’t help but feel betrayed at the content and subject matter of this movie. We wanted paint, not… this.

There was zero product placement from companies such as Home Depot or Home Hardware, which really took away from the realism of the movie. How are we, the audience, supposed to believe that this movie is about 50 shades of the colour grey, when there’s not a single department store being represented? Disgusting. At least put in a Mike Holmes cameo or something. There is absolutely no representation of the painting community to be found, something disappointing and downright offensive to painters everywhere. We are not lying when we say that this movie is a sham, a shameless sham that shamed us out of our extremely-hard earned money (thanks mom for the 20$ btw). The biggest surprise is that no one is talking about it. No media coverage, no social discussion, no news whatsoever. When the Blazer crew was watching, we couldn’t even look at the screen for more than 5 seconds, and yet others really didn’t seem to mind. We don’t know what crazy coo-coo’s are covering this so-called “movie”, but rest assured that Blazer is here to serve justice. This bare-faced lie must be brought to light. We here at Blazer will not sleep until you, the audience, hears the truth.

Blazer officially gives 50 Shades of Grey a single Blazer on the “Blazer Scale of Excellence”.

“Disappointing” – Mr. Dick