He Raids the Refrigerator and Reflects

The Miami Heat are 43-17, the second best in the East, and Lebron is still scoring at will. With the NBA playoffs not far off, James Macfarlane (brother of Cole Macfarlane) reflects on the Decision heard ’round the world.

By James Macfarlane

LeBron, you egotistical fool, ashamed because ten hours ago on ESPN you told the World that you, the ‘King’, were taking your talents to South Beach. Was it really necessary to take an hour out of everyone’s day to put yourself up on a pedestal? You, the Almighty, managed to keep an entire nation on their toes for months, awaiting your next move, searching for clues, under your control like marionettes.

Oh LeBron, will you ever again be able to look a Clevelander in the eye and say that you made the right decision? What about the children, LeBron? Your friends? Your family? Your teammates? The hard working citizens of Ohio? They stood behind you for twenty-five years of your life, through the good times and the bad, and you thanked them by leaving for Sunny South Beach.

But who needs stupid old Cleveland when you have money, rings and exotic women in Miami? You no longer have to play for a team so ill-composed that not even the King himself can will them to victory. You’ll taste more victory over the next five years of your life than you did in twenty-five years in Ohio. Oh yes, life will be sweet.

Meanwhile, your home state will be in ruins, wishing, praying for another ray of hope that can carry them down the glory road.

And now, while the rest of the world is asleep, you’re downstairs holding open the refrigerator door, contemplating how different your life would be if you had chosen Cleveland.