TBAW Exclusive:

NCAA Announces Investigation Into Clinton Emails

Malcolm Risk


On Monday afternoon, the already-volatile presidential race produced another shocking development. Just one day after Director James Comey again closed the FBI’s review of Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email server, the NCAA announced they would be launching their own investigation into her emails.

The current president of the NCAA, Mark Emmert, used a 4:30 pm press conference to break the news. He noted “the clear dissatisfaction of the American people with the results of the investigation” and accused Comey of “gross negligence in failing to combat corruption within our political system.” Emmert decried “the complete inability of the FBI to insulate itself from the influence of high-placed individuals” and promised “a thorough and complete investigation resulting in real consequences for those involved.”

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 In the ensuing media firestorm, many NCAA dignitaries rushed forward to provide support for the Emmert’s decision. Georgia Tech athletic director and chair of the NCAA board of governors Bud Peterson expressed disgust “that the corrupt money-laundering scheme they call the Clinton Foundation is given the same tax-exempt status afforded to a reputable and well-respected institution such as the NCAA.” Kirby Hocutt, chair of the college football playoff selection committee referenced “the NCAA’s long history of curbing dangerous misconduct” and predicted “harsh penalties for anyone who has endangered the safety of America or its citizens.”

Concerns that this new initiative might impede the NCAA’s ability to continue to carry out current investigations into various colleges and teams were swiftly dismissed. TBAW interviews with students found broad support for the decision. Andre, a first-year student at Nebraska, told us he was unconcerned with the high testosterone levels reportedly found in cafeteria food. Although he admitted to periodically experiencing bouts of unexplained rage, he attributed them to the success of their football team, saying “midterms are stressful enough when we don’t have anything to play for.” When asked about the seventeen drones gone missing from Cal’s engineering department, third-year student Alexandra told us “I saw a couple of basketball recruits flying a similar-looking model around the other day, but didn’t think much of it.” A professor of physics at Indiana University, who requested to remain anonymous, admitted that he “found it a little strange that a football player majoring in sports management submitted the winning entry for a contest to design IU’s new particle accelerator.”

According to nationwide polling by Gallup, 73% of students had “a significantly improved opinion of the NCAA” as a result of the new inquiry, with only 7% disapproving of the decision. Donald Trump himself hailed Emmert as “an American hero continuing the tradition of holding the powerful to account in college sports.”

On the campaign trail with Mormon independent candidate Evan McMullin, BYU president Kevin J Worthen also praised Emmert. “Quite frankly, a lot of the NCAA’s current investigations just aren’t as important as holding Hillary accountable.” Worthen made particular reference to a current investigation involving increased crowd noise at the heavily Mormon school’s football games. “The idea that allowing MDMA usage on game days violates federal law or contradicts our religious values is just absurd.”

Hillary Clinton has endured a lot in this race, and she still holds a narrow lead over Donald Trump. But with this new development, her path to victory is looking more and more shaky. Election forecaster Nate Silver declared his election model “next to worthless in light of Monday’s events” but took solace in a surge of interest in his college football predictions as Republican voters redouble their efforts to support Emmert in his mission to again put the spotlight on the many ethical and moral questions that haunt Clinton’s candidacy. Those questions, now combined with Trump’s wildly popular campaign promise to build one wall of a massive football stadium on the Mexican border, and look to be too much for Clinton to overcome.

 

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