By David Symmonds
Hey buddays, it’s time for what you’ve all been waiting for: the second installment of the famous Ebb and Flow of Time series. Now those not completely endeared to “brook life” may be able to remember the pilot article of the series, which concerned itself with the various hairstyles of everyone’s favorite guy, Muammar Gaddafi. Now I have the inestimable pleasure of introducing our second entry, “The Flow of Legends.” #it’sabanger
We’re looking at the heroes of Greek myth, men of chiseled features and mammoth deadlifts, men who fought terrifying monsters and held stimulating philosophical conversations with beautiful sea nymphs.
Coming in at #4 on our flow ranking is Theseus, a champion of epic proportions. Triumphing over the voracious Ancient Greek equivalent of man-bear-pig, Theseus shows in the following picture just how much time heroes spend in the SAS.
Unfortunately, Theseus’s flow is rather disappointing. Though practical Minotaur-fighting purposes may have factored into his chosen coiffure, his hair is clipped back like he’s Helen of Troy, and that’s only going to net him fourth spot.
In third place we have our good friend Achilles. Killer of giants and sacker of cities, Achilles was to Greek mythical warfare as Pete Hannon is to rugby. In the picture below we can see a pretty solid showing from his hair, although it looks in dire need of some Head n’ Shoulders ambroisia.
While it is nice enough to grab 3rd, Achilles’s flow could certainly use some improvement. Maybe he would have fixed up his lettuce by the end of the battle, but Orlando Bloom wasn’t about to wait around to find out.
Perseus, son of Zeus, comes in at 2nd place. Famous for riding Pegasus around the Aegean, Perseus was a veritable pimp of antiquity. He famously chopped off Medusa’s head when he got sick of her snakish behavior.
Above we can see Perseus in typical party attire, rocking the winged helmet, sword, and trusty severed head. His bucket flow spills from the helmet like the waters of the river Styx, and clearly he would fit right in on the lax field.
Finally, we have Odysseus, the definition of a beauty. After singlehandedly ending the Trojan War, he decided not to go home to his family and kingdom, but to take a road trip in his trireme and basically muck as much of the Greek world as possible. After stepping to innumerable mythical creatures, including the giant Cyclops, Odysseus became intimately acquainted with a rocket of a sea nymph, Calypso, for 5 whole years. All this time, nothing but the idea of Odysseus kept his wife Penelope going, and when the big O figured it was about time he headed back to the island he was supposed to be running, he made himself a raft by chopping down trees, and proceeded to ditch Calypso.
In the picture above, Flowdysseus shows off some fantastically crafted chin flow, as well as some heavenly lettuce. Such locks are surely enough to land the famous trickster the gold medal for mythical Greek flow.
Next issue we will be looking at more awe-inspiring hair from the annals of history.